Photo by Eli Sleepless
I think if I were to describe the feeling it would be an empty black hole that you’re alone in and you can’t find a way out because it’s so deep, and every hour someone passes by this hole and throws a brick at you. As you can imagine this shit hurts and makes your body hurt. It hits so hard it drops you down and you stay down because that’s what feels safe right now, this dark hole is the most familiar thing to you. When you finally get back up BAM there it goes again and you’re back down repeating this back and forth, falling deeper in this hole until eventually you can’t see the opening anymore. Your whole world is black and dark. Now you’re in so deep that you give up and you just stay there, hoping someone would notice but also hoping nobody does. Because at that moment anything else feels better than being alive. That’s how I describe my depression.
I never understood depression until it introduced itself to me, and it’s been quite a ride to try and walk away from it. 2017 has been a rough year with a rough start. With one event occurring that left me to face all my layered trauma and trying to deal with these demons all alone. Why alone? Because if you’re like me, you were taught that you don’t speak about these things. Terapia? Eso es para los locos (that is for the crazies) they would tell you when growing up. So now you’re in your 20s and fighting to stay above water every day. Trying to stay alive under #45, trying to keep up with your friends, stay connected to family, and be an adult forcing yourself out of bed to go to work. You try and stay active in social media and try all the self-care regimes and things are still hard because let’s be honest, LIFE is fucking hard!
During these hard times I try to remind myself to breathe because that’s one thing that can actually calm me. I’m tired of hearing people say “oh you should get a hobby,” or “this is a phase it will pass.” Thanks Susan but if I can hardly get myself out of bed for work what makes you think I can do it for a fucken hobby? Or hearing I’ll be able to last through this phase. It’s a scary time when someone gets involved with this evil being and let me tell you I have done all the rituals!! I sage my house, myself, my building’s hallway, even my neighbor’s roaming cat. I’ve done a lot of baños (spiritual showers) and met with my bruja on the daily! But of course I’ll feel like a new person. I’ll fake feel better about myself because my “old friend” always finds me.
We have gotten really close, me and this being. I can already tell by signs that it’s found me again. On the usual my life is pretty active, you know, dinner parties with friends on the weekdays, visiting parents during the weekend days, partying at night and resting on Sunday. But when my homie depression hits I am the flakiest person you’ll ever meet. I’ll legit make plans knowing damn well I ain’t going but I like to try and make an attempt which I feel counts!
But who the hell am I fooling? Me and my homie depression know damn well my ass is staying home and ordering Dominos because yes that is my GO-TO. I actually have an order saved in my account under “feelings” and it’s a pineapple chicken pizza (and let’s clear this up now PINEAPPLE DOES BELONG ON PIZZA!) Plus mild buffalo wings and a Sprite. I always send inspirational messages to my local Dominos team while I am tracking my order because yasss for inspiring the team that is creating the one thing you want the most in life right now! My local delivery guy and I have become friends as well. We now address each other on a first name basis, sometimes he flirts and I have to let homie know I am a mess and the only thing I’m interested in right now is this BOMB pizza!
Depression is real and fighting every day is a struggle. Some of us don’t overcome depression and some of us do. What I found that works for me is really trying to focus on things that make me happy like watching Issa Rae’s Insecure and eating my pizza. Also surrounding myself with supportive people, because I’ve noticed I can’t do this alone. I have people around me that want to help and love me. I’ve also started therapy because as much as I love my friends I do not want to be that friend that’s always pouring out my depressed thoughts and issues to them.
Also talking to a therapist is not a bad thing as I was told while growing up. You know that Machismo pride (eye rolls). Anyways, life is hard, being queer is hard, living under #45 is super hard and trying to figure everything out while dealing with all your unpacked trauma is tough. I am still learning how to live my best life and still finding ways to cope with my depression, but I do believe one day I’ll get to a point where I’m living my best new life and actually loving life. That sounded a little corny but sometimes we need that!
Edited by Eli Sleepless
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Image description:
The photo is dark and grainy, shot with real film. A thin, brown person lays in bed naked except for a pair of Converse shoes. Their face is hidden in the shadows. The bare mattress is exposed, the sheets piled underneath the person. There is a lamp in the distance, posters on the wall, and faint sunlight streaming through two windows.
About Eli Sleepless:
Eli Sleepless is a self-taught latinx film photographer. Their genderqueerness and nyc upbringing is important to their work. Find more of their work on tumblr, instagram, facebook, and our main page.
About Jorgy Flecha:
Afro Latinx diaspora child fighting against gentrification and depression. For the last 3 years they have been in the streets of NYC working and building with tenants to fight back against displacement and harassment. They enjoy long walks while jamming to Cardi B #fortheculture. In recent you could catch Jorgy taking time off to reflect, all while healing others through spiritual reading #weinthistogthayall
