Latent illness,
like the fat of pigs; rendered through trauma.
a testament to generational wounds’
affront on nubility
again – a try at cyclic repetition
away from things
all else –
I've found myself
in a
nowhereland
uninhabited
the people there
with no faces
and no depth
whisper only
through slits
and no-mouths
feet: bloody.
awash with
grand, desperation
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Image description:
A Black person with a short 'fro is outside, naked, back to the camera. They are facing a thicket with wayward branches and leaves. Their right arm is outstretched.
About Deveney White:
Atlanta-based agender/queer photographer who specializes in natural, ephemeral, timeless moments. Lover of the cornflower blue crayon, 90s culture, Lisa Frank, and social justice/human rights. They daydream frequently and play the ukulele. Follow @deveneywhite on Instagram.
About N.F. Stratton:
N.F. Stratton is an American writer that explores aspects of pain correlated with the Human condition. Stratton most often toes the line between romance/love and malignant obsession as a means of highlighting one of the greater Human tragedies.
I’ve finally allowed myself to be honest with myself. And as a result, I’m able to be honest with my partner.
I proceeded to tell them what happened. I didn’t have much in the way of details—believing that’s what they wanted to hear—but what I did share left them in a state of slack-jawed shock. They asked me to imagine for a moment if I had done to her what she had done to me, where I might be at that very moment.
I know few get the opportunity to heal. That’s the motivation that drives me to do healing justice work. But in offering community support, I often forget that I’m part of the community too, that I deserve access to heal from trauma. And those “I don’t deserve _____s” are all giving voice to my survivor’s guilt.
Past experiences of broken confidence held me back, and I had even less confidence that I would be able to find a queer competent, POC identified behavioral health professional with sexual assault experience who was worth investing time, money, and trust in.
Communication is super, super important. Yet no one really taught me how to communicate about sex. I’ve begun to ask myself why I am so afraid to be seen.
I know that I am good enough. I am whole. I am beautiful as I am. I am love as I am. I look in the mirror and see the spark in my deep brown eyes that reflects all the love I feel in my heart. I’ve come Black to Peace. Black to Power. Black to Love.
It would be harder to run all my life. At some point, I have to head back in. Otherwise, the ghosts will keep haunting.
Dissociation makes perfect sense when folks have constantly been abused, silenced, socialized a particular way, oppressed, and constantly have had boundaries broken, or don’t even know what their boundaries are.
Throughout April, Rest for Resistance is proud to feature writing, like this poem, for Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Consider donating to support our contributors.
It took me a long time to adjust. To re-adjust. To redefine. The moment I started to speak in a language for myself, that was crafted around the way I want to understand myself, the clock began moving at a pace that felt eternally sacred.
For a long time I didn't call it anything, because I didn't think about.