I’m Not Ready

Art by Asharah Saraswati

Art by Asharah Saraswati

I don’t want to talk about it

What night? That night?


Do not want to talk about it.

and no one can ever make me

But I feel like they were right

there was - is - indeed something wrong with me

something I have buried that is eating my insides and I can no longer feel my own

lungs go up and down.

where has my life gone?

Well shit, Izzy. get a fucking grip

get your fucking feet rooted to the ground

if you knew me well enough

the way I know me

you would know that I am never like this

I have never cringed at the sight of a spider

I watch horror alone at night after two glass bottles of cider

I am fearless

I am strong!

and strong where I come from means never crying in public, in front of the mirror, in front of anyone

especially not in front of myself

this was not a masculinity feat

it was whether or not you can land on your feet

so when it was my turn to fall

to land deep in the pit of a world of what your world calls trauma

well, fuck! I said no, I do not need this bullshit drama

because when my mind is weak

I will not accept that I have peaked

kill me on my knees before I lose my ability to speak

these bones and flesh will beat a whistle’s shriek

do you want to take me down?

I don’t even fear oceans after I saw death crowned after an attempt to drown

my fragile body

my fragile body

it’s sorry

for allowing this mess to go so awry

and for letting you call it tawdry

fuck you!

and now you want me to speak like a martyr?

well I am still alive and much smarter

do not expedite my life

my reasons to keep trudging on this bloodshed strife

because this blurred memory is my story

not your piece of gold to boast for glory

you can make up your own museum of victims and survivors

but me? well I am not an exhibit ready to shine on your timer

give me a load of free weights to pack

trust me, I’ll crush ‘em harder than my anxiety attacks

but no amount of hours spent on therapy

dimes gone to a series to prepare me

for life as I once knew it

when I could breeze past through it

like I never lived through this taboo shit

can ever resurrect this vessel

where this soul had no chance because it was too stressful

the truth is,

I never want to talk about that night

when I left behind

my smiles piled like towers

high heels of power

filth that a shower

can never remedy

this unheard-of felony

when you call me a victim, a survivor

I hope you know that you are just as guilty of placing me on a pedestal that I did not ask for

I hope you know that you are crucifying me

I can lift you over my bench press, but you will never know what I see

what I see lives in my steps, breathes,

what I do next, but I object

I object! absolutely refuse to be used

and reused like you can recycle my abuse

I do not expect you to believe me

do not want you to stop my arms from bleeding

but that does not mean I live in doubt, a fear full of tears without a drought

no! it just means I am not defined nor do I identify with one night of my life

my trauma is valid, but so is every other ray of light that I project.

so keep me off your box left to check

I am not your motherfucking project

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Image description:

A person with short dark-brown hairstyle like a bob, the character stares out of the composition, directly staring at the viewers of the art piece. Placed to the left of the image, they have light brown eyes, light brown lipstick, and a bandaid right under the eye. 

Behind them are asymmetrical dark brown shapes that looks like a mountain side, the shapes even resemble a distorted city. 

About Izzy:

Izzy (she/they) is a cool cute queer kid from south central. She’s into porn film production, precolonial recipes from the central Nahuatl region, and her favorite punk band is Antiproduct. When she’s not watching TV with her dog friend, Pip, she works on her performance art as a screen actor and as a solo performance artist. Check out her porn film and performance work on IG at @punkandpusssy and be her friend/see her actor life at @izzybravo_ 

About Asharah Saraswati:

Asharah Saraswati is an illustrator based out of Southern California, currently creating comics and apparel. See their art at art-twink.tumblr.com, and follow Art Twink on Instagram and facebook.